News, Views and Tattoos: My Interview with Charlie Spleen

News and Views has been fortunate to get an interview with Charlie Spleen--his first with a well-known blogger. I decided to share it with you before the interview gets picked up by the wires. I met Charlie Spleen at the Marriot off of Times Square. He was staying there to prepare for his one-man show at Carnegie Hall coming up in several weeks entitled, "My Friggin Spleen is Killing Me Bro......Whining!"

So Charlie, nice to meet you (I extend my hand and we shake hands) Same here-------Whining! (Charlie lets out a short laugh)

Let's get to the meat of the interview. Have you ever killed anyone? (He hesitates for a few seconds before answering). No, but I "accidentally" (he makes the quotation mark gesture with his fingers next to you head, smiling) shot my wife.

How did you feel about that? Wow, what the hell kind of question is that? You're lucky I don't have my gun with me now you punk (suddenly Charlie reminds me of a crazed felon looking to kill someone in the prison yard in one of those prison documentaries on the MSNBC on the weekends).

Okay, okay. Let's move on. (He figets in his chair) Yeh, let's move on------Whining!

Do you miss not being on "2 1/2 Nitwits?" No, why should I? (he gives me this stare that would scare the crap out of a 7 foot grizzly bear). I'm getting tired of explaining I'm not a friggin total rock star from Pluto. I despised all of those people anyway. No class and no talent--not a one of them. They don't understand genius when they see it.

But don't you understand it's a little difficult for people to take you seriously when you act and say such outrageous things? Hey, I was banging 8 gram rocks before you even got out of bed in the morning, you little putz (Once again, he throws the felon prison stare my way).

Okay, okay, let's get back to 'Nitwits." Any chance you would consider going back? (He moves up in his chair, stares at me with his penetrating lunatic eyes) and says, You can't process me with that little twirpy brain of yours, can you?----Whining! (he slowly slides back into his chair, smiling and proud as if he just hit me between my eyes with a two-by-four).

Well... (suddenly he interrups me) I'm battle tested with Hutu spears bro. I've been to the jungle and back. Me and Gary Bussey go way back, so don't mess with me...(he leans into my direction with those piercing blood-shot eyes)...or I'll crack your skull with a Chilean water hatchet.

Okay, let's get to girlfriends. It's been alleged you stuck a knife under your girlfriend's throat last year, is that true? (He leans back and laughs out loud) No, no. That never happened bro. (he stops to take a sip of water and continues) Look what I'm dealing with dude. I'm dealing with fools and trolls in the media. They tend to believe anything they hear even when they don't know the facts. (I jump in quickly)

Yeh Charlie, but we're talking about police reports here, not speculation. Listen bro, they have the right to kill me, but not to judge me...do you understand what I'm saying? (again, that grizzly bear stare and then he takes another sip of water and dumps the rest of bottle of water over his head and shakes his head violently).

But... (he interrupts me again and starts rubbing his right hand through his hair) But, nothing bro. I have magic and poetry at my fingertips. They can't hurt the stallion from the Maya warriors. That can be an entire movie bro, but it's my life now. Why can't you understand that? No one seems to be able to process that (he leans back into his chair with a sullen look crossing his face). I'm like a leper who just lost a few fingers into his pasta fagioli. Is that hard for you to comprehend?

But what about that girlfriend? (He bounces up and smiles broadly). Hey, I've spent the past two years looking for my girlfriends killer, but no one will do it.(suddenly he laughs out loud, falls out of his chair and just starts rolling on the floor like a shark just jumped on the deck of a fishing trawler and points at me). Got you on that one right? (he smacks his right thigh with his hand and appears to have enjoyed springing the joke on me)

Yeh, that was a good one, Charlie. (I throw him a half smile with a quizzical look). I told you bro. I'm an F-15. I can fly off aircraft carriers with both my arms tied behind my back....Whining!

Let me (again he jumps in) Do you know Woody Allen has been married to the same daughter for about 14 years now?

No, I had no idea, I replied but what does that... (Interrupting again) That's right because I'm a friggin Warlock bro and the network picked a fight with the wrong guy---Whining! Do you know I can break into your house and kill you in your own friggin kitchen?

Let's change the subject for a moment Charlie. Yeh, let's change it because you're starting to bore me big time. Don't you understand I make Springsteen, Lennon, Bon Jovi and Tommy Lee look like armless teenage mutant turtles?

How are preparations going for "My Friggin Spleen is Killing Me Bro...Whining!"? C'mon bro. I was in some of the top major motion pictures of all time, and you're asking me such a dumb-ass question like that?

It's a standard question for any interview like this Spleen (now I'm getting a tad upset). Look, if you were part of my family; I'd love you violently. You know that, don't you? (again, with that crazed stare of his)

I guess. You guess? You're a loser, you know that...Loosing! This interview is over.(he turns to one of the stage hands off to his right) I'm on a drug bro. It's called Charlie Spleen. Don't try it. If you do, you'll die a very painful death.

Stunned, I lean back in my chair and watch this lunatic break off the interview and move toward the door.... But just as suddenly he turns, looks at me and says: Whining! I'm not Clark Gable bro. He was a pussy. Lights out.